Maternity leave goals evaluated

Tomorrow I go back to work.  

Did I just say that?

(Sigh.)  (Gulp.)  (Pause.)  Yep.  I did.

Tomorrow I go back to work.

On February 28, 2012, I tidied up my computer files, cleared my office of personal belongings, and waddled to my car.  I had a belly with a ready-for-the-world baby in it, and I was excited to be done with work.  I wanted to nap.  I wanted to nest.  I wanted to wait out my last days before motherhood without needing to do anything.  A few weeks later, Joseph was born. 

Eleven months have passed since then.  David is out with some youth and young adults from our church, listening to a Trinity Western professor give a lecture here in town.  Joseph is fast asleep after a busy day of practicing his new skill of pulling himself up into a standing position. And I am sipping a cup of tea, planning out next week's schedule, and marveling at how time goes by. 

My goals for maternity leave were modest.  I'm terrible for having sky-high expectations, so last year at this time, when I thought about my hopes and plans for my time off, I was pretty intentional about keeping it simple.  Allow me to spend my quiet evening doing a little reflecting, okay?

First and most importantly, I wanted maternity leave to be about learning how to be a mother.  I wanted to figure out how to nourish and nurture a real-live, flesh-and-blood baby, and I wanted to figure out how to do it well. 

Now the question is:  did it happen?  Was the goal achieved? 

In some ways, yes.  I learned how to breastfeed.  I learned how to change and clean diapers.  I learned about healthy sleeping habits, how to read Joseph's "I'm tired!" signs, and how to put him to bed.  Joseph is a healthy, happy almost one-year-old, and - although I give most of the credit to the Holy Spirit for providing me with strength when I felt tired, courage when I felt confused, and love when I felt alone - when I look at my growing boy, I think to myself, "Way to go, Mama.  Now keep up the good work!"

First bike ride!  March 1, 2013

But, in other ways, it's just as truthful to evaluate this goal with a "no" ... or a "not yet".  I was kidding myself if I thought that "learning how to be a mom" was something that I could spend twelve months on and then check off my list of things to do.  As far as parenthood goes, new stuff comes up all the time.  Do I insist that Joseph stop throwing food off his high-chair tray?  How much effort to I put into forcing an afternoon nap?  Considering how important early childhood is, what kind of routines and experiences are important for Joseph at this stage?  The learning continues into year two.  And it will continue on forever.  Parents of teenagers know this.  Parents of adults know this too. 

Why would I nap when standing up is so much fun?

My second goal for maternity leave, which was my only other goal, was to get in touch with the heart of ministry again.  Part of me hoped that freedom from the responsibilities that I had at church would give me the opportunity to just enjoy church again.  I wanted to talk with people, to encourage people, and to pray for people, without feeling like my job description was obliging me to do so.

As far as this goal goes, my evaluation is nuanced again.  I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed having a break from some of the things that I had previously been a part of.  And I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed passing on to Dave the work-related phone calls and emails that slipped through to me when mat. leave had just started.  Let me be clear:  maternity leave was a break.  I'm pretty passionate about appropriate boundaries, and, thankfully, my church community has always been eager to respect that.

But I have to have to say that if I've learned anything this year (besides all that about being a mother), I've learned that there's no such thing as freedom from responsibility when you're a Christian - whether you're on maternity leave or not.  Each month, each week, each day, God puts people before you.   And the question is, "Will you love?".  And the beauty is when you do you're really loving Christ.   Do you know that a beautiful baby boy lights up a psychiatric ward?  Do you know that cooped-up, eager-to-talk hospital patients are perfect company for cooped-up, eager-to-talk new moms?  Do you  know how powerful the sight and sound of an infant is to a dying person?  Do you know how profound and perspective-giving a conversation with someone near death is when you've got a lot of life still to live?  To have turned away from these opportunities because of "maternity leave" would have denied the reality that Christians are always responsible to their faith communities whether they are working pastors or not.   It would have also been to miss out on the gifts that are promised us when we work, serve, step out, and spend our lives in the name of Jesus and for glory of God.

Tuckered out (and looking cute) after a morning at church

 For those who are curious, when I say that tomorrow I'm going back to work, what I mean is that this week I'm back on the clock at Victoria Christian Reformed Church.  Since leaving the office last year at this time, Dave has been carrying the 100% workload by himself.  Tomorrow, Dave's workload goes down to 70% and I will be taking on 30% again.  This means office hours each week.  This means teaching a class or two, planning a program or two, and doing a little counseling, a little visiting, and a little preaching.  While it is hard to believe that I'm no longer a mom-on-mat-leave but a mom-who's-back-to-work, I'm feeling good about it.  I want to do those things that pastor's get to do.  I like doing them!  And I want to be good at my job, and the only way I can learn and grow and develop is if I keep doing it.  I don't know what the next twelve months hold, but if last year is any indication, there will be lots to learn... because there always is.